Choices
by Kiara Marielle
Summary: Everyone has to make choices. Will Angel make the right ones?
1. Default Chapter

Title: Choices

Author: Kiara Marielle

Disclaimer: You can sue me if you want, but all you'll get is the 

pleasure of my company. And if I owned them why would I be wasting 

my time with you people?! Besides I just wanna play with 'em, I will 

give them back when I am done :-)

Author's notes: I wrote this before the beginning of Season 2 so just 

take that into consideration. Oh and my Lovely wonderful beta Mads 

chaptered it for me, and she tells me that she did it after every change 

in POV. I hope you enjoy. Oh and be kind this is the first thing I am 

written EVER.

Dedication: Mads sweetie I love ya for making me do this. Ophelia 

because she gave the me courage to actually let others read it and for 

your nice words. And for David who is the complete inspiration behind 

it.

Choices

1

"And the time will come when the Warrior shall be faced with the 

choice between her past and her future. The Angel must chose 

between his Warrior and his Protector. The Dreamer shall find its 

heart. And the Seer shall know peace."

Have you ever felt love? I mean the all encompassing, forever 

type love that makes you want to do everything in your power to 

make sure that the person for whom you feel this is completely safe 

and never knows what it is like to feel pain. I do. In my considerable 

life I have had such a love, although up until recently he never even 

knew I existed. He wasn't allowed to and I was never allowed to 

reveal myself. The Power That Be sure do have a sense of humor. 

I guess to fully understand what I am talking about I must take 

you back to how this all began. I was young once; I came from a 

wealthy family. My father owned businesses and land. He made sure 

that I attended the best schools and that I never wanted to anything. 

Although he was a good businessman and he knew how to handle 

employees, he was fair and generous some might even describe him 

as being kind. I know that he was to me. I was the only child in my 

family that was completely rare for the time. I was the apple of my 

father's eye and even as a young girl I knew how to play the game 

and had all of my male relatives sitting in the palm of my hand. All I 

had to do was flash them a smile, and they were a puddle of mush 

waiting to do my bidding. This is why I had an education, women of 

that time weren't always educated and not to the degree that I was I 

am sure. 

While I was getting an education, most of the time away from 

my parents and close relatives, I stayed in England. My family 

remained in Ireland. Such a beautiful place Ireland is even now, but 

such a place of heartbreak, but also the place where I fell in love. This 

place was also the place where I encountered my destiny. 

Destiny from my experience isn't a nice word, and success 

comes with great costs. My success has cost me a great deal of 

happiness and has come with a great deal of loneliness. I know you 

are saying get back on the subject. After I returned from England 

where I had attended the university and was now as capable as any 

man at running a successful business did. I could also read, write, and 

speak several different languages, which included English, French, 

Latin, Spanish, Italian, and of course Gaelic. My father made sure I 

remembered my roots, as if I could forget. He told me I was to marry. 

I being the strong independent type hated the idea. What made it 

worse was the fact that it was to be an arranged marriage. Since my 

background and status was what is was, and the fact that my parent 

wouldn't hear of me spending anymore of my life away from them I 

was to marry down. With my father's businesses and his status, that 

was perfectly acceptable. I hated the idea that I was to marry 

someone that wasn't even my equal. I craved conversation and 

someone not as educated would have made me miserable, but I would 

do anything to make my father happy even if it meant discarding all of 

my education to settle down and make babies. I figured that at least 

my children would be as educated as I was and maybe with my 

sacrifices they would be able to choose their own paths. 

My father found a suitable husband for me or at least someone 

in the right class that didn't already have a direction in life. For me to 

say that he was rebellious and as much opposed to marrying me as I 

to him was an understatement. He came from a middle class family, 

with a servant. He had a sister named Kathy and his father was a 

merchant. In the town that he was from he was known as quite the 

ladies man, and like all Irish men he knew how to drink. He wasn't 

even groomed for the lifestyle to which he was to enter, and that 

frightened me even more than the prospect of having to marry a 

stranger. 

Shortly before I was to be married a very strange little man 

approached me. He wasn't Irish and he smelled strange. I remember 

all of this because this was the day that changed my life. I was out 

walking, thinking about where my life was going and how to deal with 

all of the changes that were coming. I had never even laid eyes on 

the man I was to marry in a few months time. That was when he 

appeared, this strange little man. I regarded him apprehensively 

because I had heard the stories of people disappearing; I did not want 

to be one of them. The man regarded me thoughtfully; he just stared 

for a few moments looking me over and making me feel very 

uncomfortable. Somewhat unnerved by this man I ask, "W-who are 

you? W-what do you want from me?" This man simply smiled and 

answered "Whistler." My first thought was what kind of name is that. 

My second was, he didn't answer the other question, which scared me. 

Whistler stood there taking in my nervousness and my fear; he 

found it to be quite amusing. He told me later on that he wasn't even 

sure I was the right girl to the job, which promptly earned him a black 

eye. You see so many things relied on my decision that day that I am 

still in awe that I was chosen. I know what you are thinking now, I am 

not a "Chosen One"; I am not a slayer. I was given a choice and 

looking back on it, I am glad that I made the one that I did. That 

night Whistler asked me what I wanted to do with my life. Compelled 

to tell him the truth I said, "I don't know" I paused and thought about 

it for a second and then continued with my train of thought "I have 

always done what others have asked of me. I have gone to school, 

gotten an education, and now I am marrying a man that I have never 

even laid eyes on." Then I looked at him and asked suspiciously 

"Why?" His answer was almost as shocking as the fact that I was 

being so frank with this man that I had never met. He said to me 

"Renee, you have a choice, you can continue living as you are, a 

young girl with a set future living out other people's dreams, or you 

can find that thing that you have been searching for you entire life. 

The purpose in your life, your reason for existing." He paused almost 

as if he was trying to think of how much more he should tell me, then 

he looked me in the eye and said, " there is one you know, a reason 

for you existence. I am not saying it will be easy, and there will be 

pain, but when all is said and done you know that you have helped 

someone and you have found a love greater than anything else you 

have ever experience." 

I think the look on my face gave away the fact that I held some 

sort of curiosity for what he was saying, but also a fear of what was to 

come. I made my choice, the curiosity in me left little room for there 

to really be a choice, that and the fact that I wanted a purpose and not 

just to marry some drunken ill educated man that has slept with a few 

too many barmaids. So Whistler showed me my destiny.

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	2. Chapter 2

"LIAM!" Awaking to the sound of my name being bellowed from a very displeased father and a raging headache I rolled out of my bed. I didn't even remember going to sleep in it. I must have had more to drink than what I thought. Grumbling I went to go and see what the man wanted. I am sure whatever it is it will be yet another thing I screw up so that he can tell me what a lousy human being I am. I walked out of my bedroom where I saw my father glancing around making sure everything was perfect. I assume that we are having some kind of company today. He never acts like this unless there is some important company involved. He looked at me with a scowl, seeing that I am a mess from my "fun" last night. I just wish it didn't have to be so painful in the morning. His look told me that I was missing something important. "Don't tell me you have forgotten, boy," he says to me. I cringe because I have forgotten and because I do hate it when he calls me that. He and I have argued the point that I am not a boy that I am a man. I got out every night and prove that is exactly what I am, a MAN.

Tired and wanting to avoid the punishment I know is coming I ask, "What was it that I was supposed to remember, father?" He looked at me disappointment and irritation clearly written in his features, he answers "go get cleaned up, we are to meet with Sir Edmunds this morning" Then I remember that nobleman and my father have arranged for me to marry his daughter. The only good that would come of this marriage is the fact that I would no longer have to hear from my father everything that I am doing wrong. I don't want a wife though; I am not one that is that big on responsibility. Knowing that this is important to my father I protest, "No father, I will do no such thing. I am not marrying his daughter and even if I was, shouldn't he see what he is really getting for his daughter." The back of his hand, which I knew was coming, hit me with enough force to split my lip. I hated having anyone tell me what to do with my life. I hated that he thought that I as incapable of making my own decisions. It was then that I shouted at him " IT IS MY LIFE NOT YOURS, YOU CAN NOT MAKE THESE DECISIONS FOR ME, FATHER" the end of my outburst ended up a snarl. I decided that I would not meet Sir Edmunds, that my father if he wanted this done so bad he would have to do it himself, so I stormed out and went off to find the girl that I had left sometime before the sun came up. I wanted to make the pain go away and the only way I figured to do that was in the arms of some girl and fell for my pretty smile and my promises that both of us knew I would never keep.

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	3. chapter 3

Whistler took me to a tavern that night, as soon as I saw him I knew that my life would never be the same. He was handsome, more so than I had ever seen. He was quite the ladies man, but if you had the face of an angel wouldn't you be too. We blended into the shadows so that no attention and suspicion would be drawn to us. You have to remember that a girl of my age and station didn't generally frequent these types of establishments. He continued to drink and he was rather loud and somewhat obnoxious, but he still took my breath away. He was magnificent and beautiful. I do believe that sometime later I heard someone say that Michelangelo couldn't have created a better work of art. I watched him for several moments before Whistler told me it was time for us to go. I knew deep down that he was right, I don't think I could have taken seeing him leave with some common barmaid or desperate girl that had no future. 

Whistler explained to me after we left that I couldn't tell anyone of the meeting, or of seeing this man. He told me that it was important. I mentioned my up coming marriage to him. He told me not to worry about anything, my decision was made and everything would be taken care of. It occurred to me after I was in the safety of my own bedroom that I should have been worried and a little more afraid than what I was, but it all felt right. I knew deep down that I had made the right decision and that my life would never be the same, but now it had a purpose even if the details were still a little sketchy. 

The next afternoon my father was to meet with my future in laws and husband. I was not able to attend this meeting because the dressmaker was coming to start work on my wedding gown. Society wedding really can be tiresome. I just prayed that whatever was going to happen to rectify the situation I was now in would just happen. 

By the time my father came back from the meeting, he was visibly upset. It must not have gone well I remember thinking to myself. I approached my father as one would approach an angered animal when one wanted to soothe it and find out what had angered it. "Good afternoon father" I said in my sweetest most sincere tone, one that knew would soon have him answering all of my questions and eating out of the palm of my hand just like thousands of times before. "Did lunch go well?" My father gave me a look that told me lunch did not go as well as it should have considering his baby girl was about to be made a bride to someone that by all rights should never have even gotten the chance to begin with. My mother walked into the room and said to my father " Now dear, that boy has every right to be upset and try to rebel he just needs time like Renee does." His reaction was startling, "Yes, well he should have at least been there for the meal. If he wasn't the only one that would be acceptable and if our word hadn't been given he would not be marrying my daughter." He never used harsh words around mother or me. I left the room shortly after that; I really needed to figure out a few things.


	4. Chapter 4

After spending most of the day in the arms of some girl I returned home before sunset. I proceeded to argue more with my father. He was so angry that had left before, especially since he had to explain to Sir Edmunds why I wasn't there. I decided that I would not take anymore, a packed up a few of my belongings and assured Kathy that I would see her soon, looked into the eyes of my crying mother then pushed my way past my father and stormed out of the house and into my first taste of freedom. 

I decided that I would celebrate my newfound freedom at the tavern tonight, so that is where I headed. On my way to the tavern a young woman caught my eye, she was beautiful. She had long dark hair that seemed to catch the sunlight and shine a beautiful auburn even in the fading day. I was going to approach her when she was approached by a different man; he was short and dressed oddly with a funny looking hat on. The girl seemed deep in thought when he approached her, she looked up at him with a look of relief and even slight irritation, after exchanging a few words she flashed him a brilliant smile that made me more jealous than I care to admit, because it wasn't directed at me. They turned and walked off deep in conversation. She never even looked in my direction. I would have given anything for just a look and maybe even a smile from this girl, my plans would definitely have changed, I would never have set foot inside another pub or tavern if she would have flashed me that smile in my direction and let me at least think that she cared for me. Who was I kidding though, she would never care about me, so I turned on my heel and headed to drowned my sorrows at the tavern under the pretense of celebrating my new found freedom, and I felt for sure that I would find some willing girl to help take my mind off of that majestic creature with the brown mane that shown auburn and the perfect smile that could melt the heart of even the most ruthless of men.

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	5. Chapter 5

I walked the streets of Galway not knowing really where I was going, only that I needed to find some sort of peace in my mind. All of my thoughts flying around in my head, questions trying to find answers I am not sure I knew, it was becoming tiring and even a little painful. I was confusing, but hopeful that this confusion I found myself in would soon be cleared up. If only that little man would tell me more about what it was I was supposed to do, whom I am supposed to become. It was then that I felt him, not the confusing little man in the strange hat, but the picture of perfection I had seen the previous night. He was watching me, I didn't dare look at him because if I did I would never be able to keep my distance, which is what Whistler told me I had to do for now. I would get my chance later, but for now I had to stay away because if I did not I would mess up my destiny. If I had known for how long I would have had to keep my distance and watch this creature I would have punched him in the nose then, but hindsight is always 20/20.

Whistler approached me then, for some reason I could feel him coming too, almost like my senses had some how gotten better since the night before. He approached knowing what was going on that I was avoiding looking at the man that I fell in love with the first time I saw him. He made some comment that I found to be irritating even though I wasn't even listening. I looked at him ruefully and said, "Hello Whistler, I was hoping we would run into each other tonight." He looked at me and I almost thought that he might have even looked a little sympathetic but you never can tell with him, I probably just imagined it. He told me that I would get to see more of him tonight and that made me smile. Then we walked off leaving him to look at the spot where I had been standing. I knew that he stayed there for few moments then walked off presumably to the tavern. 

I proceeded to prod Whistler about what my new direction was, and when would I start on my new path to finding purpose. He told me that I had already found my purpose. He then regarded me with a look that even after all this time I still don't know exactly how to describe, it held a little bit of sympathy, some pride, and even some worry and he said, "Your destiny is that of the Protector" I remember that, I have never forgotten when he told me that. Hearing what exactly I was, what I chose to become, has stayed with me ever since. He then explained to me what the Protector was. I didn't understand a lot of it, but in retrospect it does make a lot of sense.

That night was the night that I found out that the things that go bump in the night actually exist, and I was to protect one of them. There has ever only been me. If you understand the lore of the slayer then you would understand a little bit about what I do. It doesn't exactly help that I have seen a few slayers meet their death, which saddens me. I couldn't do anything to help them, that one girl every generation. She fights evil every night and I had to stand by while he met her death because to stop her would have put me and my entire purpose in jeopardy. 

I guess I need to explain exactly what the Protector is, what I am. The Protector is an immortal being (yeah that is right did I forget to mention that before?) that was chosen by The Powers That Be to protect the vampire with a soul. I was to do that, and I didn't even know any vampires let alone any with souls. Until that night I didn't even know they existed. The other things that I knew were that this vampire that I was to protect could not be killed, no matter what happened. I was also told that I was not to reveal myself to him until I had explicit permission from the PTB (Powers That Be). Whistler was also to train me; I was to learn to defend my charge and myself and in essence become invisible unless I wanted to have my presence known. When the time came that he could know of my presence then I would get all of my power and strength. Whistler told that one of the reasons that I was chosen was because I was psychically open and I had natural magic. I, of course, thought he was insane because I never used magic. I didn't even know anyone who did and yet he was sitting here telling me that I had natural power. I guess I really was born to be what I have become. I really don't use it now unless I need to, and the only time I do is during a battle when my strength, knowledge, and tactical abilities aren't working out exactly like they are supposed to, so I guess you could say that since I learned how to use it magic is my last resort. The only other time I use it is when I channel the PTB. That is the other thing that I get to do. The vampire will lose the oracles and be cut off from the powers before I can go to him (and I do know it is a him). When I am given permission to come in contact with him I will become the Dreamer. And I know what you are thinking now not only the Protector but the Dreamer too well my job is to assist the seer that will aide him in his destiny. I also know that this is making about as much sense to you now as it was to me then. All I can remember thinking that night was gee I am glad Whistler didn't tell me all this before I agreed to this gig. 

So Whistler took me to back to the tavern, I saw my beautiful stranger get into a drunken bar brawl. I also saw that my eyes were not the only one on him. There was a pretty blonde that watched him all night; I overheard her ask the barmaid about him. After that he followed her into an alley. That night from the safety of the shadows that would later become an acceptable ally in concealing my presence and the presence of my vampiric change, I saw the beautiful stranger that I had fallen in love with become a vampire. I returned home shortly after I witnessed his death. I laid in my bed that night and I cried because all in the course of two days, I fell in love at first sight, found out that evil really does exist in the form of demons, and saw man that I fell in love with become on of those demons.

The next afternoon my father informed me that I was no longer engaged to be married. I think the shock was apparent. I remember wondering what had happened between the day before and right then that would cause my father to change his mind completely. I asked him " What happened, father, to change your mind?" He looked at me with sad eyes and said " The man, Liam, that you were to marry died last night." That was when a tear escaped from my eye. I realized then that that man that I was so opposed to marrying, and the man that I loved were the same man. I knew that I had to talk to Whistler. I had to know if he was the one that I was to protect. 

I remember finding out that the vampire that I was to protect had indeed been this man. I knew that everything would be okay if I could just get through this. I assumed that he would always have a soul, but when I found out what happened after he rose, I was mistaken. Whistler told me that all would come in time, but right now my mission was to get out from under the watchful eye of my parents. I remember pleading with my father that night to send me back to England. I refused to marry anyone, I had finally learned to put my foot down to him and use my charm to get what I wanted. So he sent me to England and he even allowed me to live on my own, which was almost unheard of for an unmarried woman of my age. He provided for me, and he allowed me to be a part of one of his businesses. I was grateful to him for that. After I left Ireland all of my family was killed, and I inherited everything, all of the money, land, and businesses. I think that Whistler knew that their deaths were coming and did not want me to meet the same fate. I mourned their loss, but I knew eventually their deaths would not be in vain, they were to serve a greater purpose, and they were happy were they were.

This newfound freedom of mine that came with a price, allowed me to train with Whistler. After a few years it was time for the ritual that would make me immortal. I don't remember much of that ritual other than it was very painful and I was unconscious for most of it. My life went on as it had before except I kept a very watchful eye on the demon Angelus. I later found out that he had changed his name ironically enough in honor of his sister memory. She thought that he had returned to her an angel, therefore he changed his name to Angelus, because Angel was far too good. 


	6. Chapter 6

In watching Angelus I saw some of the most gruesome things, including the death of slayers. I also saw how he worked on Drusilla, and drove her mad. I wish I hadn't seen that, but I kept in mind that he had a greater purpose and that it was the demon that did this. After a hundred years of tracking the demon and by association Darla, Spike, and Dru, and I saw all of the horrible things they did. I choose not to scare you by telling about all of the atrocities that the demons committed during this time, just that Liam's hostility toward his father didn't go away. I think that was the worst crime, him killing his family. The reign of the demon came to an end after about a century and a half of killing, when Darla fed him a gypsy. Darla always was trouble, she made him, she fed him that girl, she taught him everything he knew. But with that gypsy girl came the beginning of his destiny. He got his soul. I saw that night now he staggered to the house that he and Darla had made their shelter and I saw her walk in, and I saw him stagger out. Whistler had to hold me back, physically and magically restrain me from going to him, he needed comfort so bad and my heart broke to see the man that I loved in pain. 

I watched for nearly a century while guilt consumed him. Finally Whistler interceded, I had figured out by then that Whistler had made his own choices and he had his own destiny to complete. He told me that I was to go to Los Angeles and wait for him there. He didn't tell me how long I was to wait. Me being the stubborn girl I have always been argued that I could not and would not leave him unattended. I remember standing there in the apartment that I was staying in overlooking the park, arguing with the annoying demon that I hadn't needed in almost a century. 

****

"I will not leave him alone. What if he decides to take a walk at noon? You can't be serious about me leaving him here." I shouted at him in utter disbelief. I was pacing furiously in the apartment that had been my sanctuary for the past several years since I had come to New York. I kept watching a waiting, seeing him in such pain killed me inside, and now this demon, even though he was my trainer and confidant wanted me to not only leave the vampire I had been trained and groomed to protect, but also the man I loved. I continued my pacing and throwing him glares that would have left a greater man shaking in his boots. My apartment always seemed huge and now it was too small, almost as if the walls were closing in on me and I was a caged animal. I just knew he was out of his mind, to think that I would just leave after more than 200 years of waiting and watching. I finally got tired of pacing and decided that my next course of action would be to sit and just glare at him. I thought that maybe if he explained why I had to leave then maybe I could counter that argument. I haven't gotten along for the past 200 years by being stupid. 

After I sat down and gave Whistler the look that after 100 years he learned meant this better be the most brilliant discovery since plastic, he sighed and started telling me this new twist in my life. "You see Renee this is the turning point, the fork in his road. You chose your path a long time ago, but he hasn't even begun to see his. This is the part where you let me take over and you prepare yourself, because this is the beginning of the end. This is where he becomes someone and something. I am going to take him to make him someone. As he is, he is not worthy of you or anyone else. When all is said and done it is his choice, but like you I know he will make the right one. When you get to LA you will get set up in your new apartment. We can't have that much direct contact, so you will need to get me a place and make it vampire ready. He will also need nourishment, and lots of it. As it is, you know that he has only been feeding minimally and on rats no less. He needs to build strength and confidence before he can even fathom what it is like to face the things that you both will face. This is going to be your final preparation." I sat there astonished that after all this time things were finally going to happen, that I was finally going to do what I had been training and waiting for since that night that Whistler came to me. 

****

So I started packing. I packed all of my things and saw the appropriate people about my apartment that I was sorely going to miss and took a flight to LA. After I had arrived and found two apartments, in separate buildings as Whistler requested, I had one of them made vampire friendly and had all of the things that they would need for physical training as well emotional healing set up. I even had clothing ready for him. This would be his home and I would protect and comfort him even if I was supposed to be taking a preparatory break from my duties. 

They arrived not long after I had everything ready for them. I got a phone call from Whistler about where to leave the keys and he asked me questions about the place that I had chosen for them. 

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	7. Chapter 7

There I was minding my own business in an alley, actually this particular night I happened to be hunting. Even if it was just an unlucky rat in a New York alley that I was hunting, I was interrupted from my prey by an annoying loudly dressed demon. He asked me if I wanted to make something of myself. I just looked at him and tried to continue on my way, but him being as annoying as he was he wouldn't let me. He asked me if I wanted to make amends for the things I had done. That really got my attention, of course I did. That was my answer to him, I wanted with everything in my being to make things right. I knew that nothing I could do would bring them back but if I would like to at least try to make up for a minute amount of pain that I caused so many people. So he helped me out of that alley and into a car. We spent a week driving across the country. He told me my destiny awaited me in Los Angeles. 

We arrived in LA in the middle of the afternoon. I sat in the car and waited while Whistler made a phone call. I am sure it was to find us some place to stay because we had reached our destination. After Whistler returned to the car we drove to a local high school. That was when looking out of the darkened windows of the car I saw her. She was a blonde goddess if I have ever seen one. She looked so happy and carefree until a man approached her. It was then that I realized she was to be a Slayer. This was when her watcher was calling her to begin to perform her sacred duty. This saddened me, because I knew as soon as I saw her that I loved her and wanted to protect her. 

Whistler then took me to an apartment that was rather large, it had plenty of training equipment, weighs, weapons, and various other supplies that we would need to get me ready to protect the slayer. It was also furnished with books, lots of books. There were clothes in the bedroom that was to be mine. The person that picked these clothes out seemed to know me so well, and had exquisite taste. I promptly took a shower and put on some of my new clothes. There was somewhere I had to be that night. I watched as the new slayer named Buffy dusted her first vampire. The fact that her life was no longer her own saddened me to no end. I then watched her go home and cry in her bathroom as her parents fought, she was so young and vulnerable, I just knew I had to keep her safe

After that night Whistler and I trained for hours each day until I would fall into such a deep sleep that I wouldn't even have the nightmares that had been plaguing me for the last hundred years. I would train during the day and watch her at night. This became habit very quickly, it took me a while before my hunting and observing skills were back to where they had been a century before. 

One night while I was watching her I felt that I was being followed and watched. I could never place the source of these feelings, but they were there. After I got back from my nightly ritual I told Whistler about the old feelings I had. I swear I heard him mutter something about that girl never learning. I still have no idea what he was talking about. That same night I was told that we would have to leave. That was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever heard, and I refused to go. He told me that everything would work out and that she would be where we were going, but I was afraid that she wouldn't make it to where we were going, and that I was never going to see her again, I was in love with her. But we packed up and moved to Sunnydale anyway.

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	8. Chapter 8

Again the little demon enraged me and sent me pacing my apartment like a caged animal, when he told me that he and Angel would be going to Sunnydale and that I was not going to be able to be there. I could have taken his head off of his shoulders without a second thought. He then proceeded to rake me over the coals about following Angel. He told me I was supposed to be letting him take care of it and that this was my break before things got really heavy. I insisted that I was going to Sunnydale. He explained that in such a small town I would definitely draw attention and I could not enter Angel's life yet, everything that we had worked for was about to be upon us and that meant that I had to keep my distance for just a little while longer. 

I watched from across the street as the car pulled away. I then crossed the street and went into the apartment that my Angel had spent so much of his time in. I walked through the apartment touching a thing or two that I know he would have touched, or seeing a thing the way he would have seen it. I then went into the room that I chose to be his before he came to know this as a home and I looked around the only thing that he left was a sketch that had fallen under the bed. I picked up the seemingly fragile piece of parchment that he used in his charcoal drawing and looked at the picture the he spent time drawing. What broke my heart was that is was of her. I knew that he loved her because the love could be seen in the lines, how each stroke was placed with such love and care that it brought tears to my eyes. 

Right before Whistler left he introduced me to someone. He said that this man would be someone that I would need to get to know and so I met Doyle. The Irish half demon made me laugh, he reminded me of the home that I had left so many years ago. During the time after Angel left he became my friend. I was never allowed to have friends after I became the Protector. No one even knew what I was except for Doyle and Whistler. Sure there have been prophecies and theories written about me, but no one knew for sure whether or not I existed. They certainly didn't know the rules I had to live by or what exactly I was supposed to protect, they just knew that one was to come. Some even assumed that the Protector was the Slayer. Like I said only Doyle knew the truth. 

So for the next three years I stayed in LA pretty much, although I took this time to travel a little bit, and I spent a lot of time in my favorite thinking spot in Paris. I got to know Doyle pretty well and kept up with news in Sunnydale. I knew that the Slayer would protect him and that I was not to go to him unless Whistler told me I could. 

You could say that it was definitely a shock when I heard about Angelus showing his face for a few months, and I panicked when I heard that he was sent to hell. The time that he was in hell was the only time that I was ever allowed to directly intercede on his behalf, he was so broken by the time we got him out that he didn't even remember that I was there at all. I was thankful for that. I had to use some powerful magic to get him out. Even then I had to wait until Buffy left the ring that Angel gave her in the mansion so that I could get to it to get him out. I don't think that they planned for him to go to hell, that was an unforeseen thing that makes life spontaneous. I had to be in the same room as when he was sent there to get him out, and I know that he saw me for the first time since that day on the street in Galway. He healed fine and he and Buffy worked through a lot of their problems, but in the end he left. 

I understand his whole reasoning he is a noble man by nature, good, kind, caring, and considerate. He thinks of everyone else before himself, and his guilt has no rival. I saw this even back in that drunken boy I fell in love with. The first time I looked into his face I could see that he was just rebelling that everything in his nature screamed against doing some of the things that he was doing. But anyway, he left her so that she could have a normal life, so that she could have everything that he couldn't give her. Leaving caused him so much pain; it was palpable when you were near him. 

After he came back to LA, Doyle approached him. I couldn't believe it, Doyle was to be his seer. Now I knew why I had to meet him a few years ago. Doyle was reluctant to be the seer but in the end he didn't have much of a choice. And when he died I felt his loss keenly, because he had been my only friend besides Whistler. After Doyle started working with Angel, all he talked about was Cordelia. It became obvious that Doyle loved her, and when he died she was to be the seer. This did not surprise me at all. Angel trusted her and she was a good one to have, even though the choice wasn't really hers. Sometimes the PTB have a funny way of picking their messengers. 

I stayed in the shadows as Angel mourned the loss of Buffy, and then the loss of Doyle. I think his work saving souls and the reappearance of Wesley and the support of Cordelia really helped him to survive that year. After the Prophecies of Aberjian were found and his link to the powers complete I got the go ahead to appear. I got my first dream after that, and from what I learned I knew that the coming battles wouldn't be easy. 

Before I showed myself I let them get settled into their new office, and Angel into his new apartment. I knew the other held memories for him that he was reluctant to let go of, but maybe that is something that he needed to do. I had also heard of everything that had happened with Buffy and I knew that he was slowly beginning to see that maybe she wasn't the only person he could love. That maybe there was something else out there for him. I also watched as he made new friends. He hired the young vampire hunter Gunn to help him with his battles against all of the demons that he was facing since coming to LA.

I decided that it was time, so I dressed in my favorite outfit which was all black (great for blending into the shadows, which I know almost as much as Angel does about that) and I walked into their office. 

********

I knew Doyle was dead but this was my link to them and a way to get them to trust me, I think that was why our friendship was so important, he was my link to Angel and my way in. So I walked into their office and looked at Cordelia who smiled pleasantly at me while Wesley nodded acknowledging my existence and I asked, "Is this Angel Investigations?" She said in a cheerful voice, "Yeah we help the hopeless, can I help you? Would you like some coffee?" I nodded to her, and she fixed me a cup, as she was pouring it I told her why I was there. 

"I am looking for Doyle, he and I are old friends and last I heard he was working here" As soon as I said his name she dropped the coffee mug that she was holding. At the sound of the ceramic hitting the hard wood floor Angel and Gunn came flying into the room from somewhere in the back. She just stood there shocked staring at me. Her eyes filled with tears and when Angel asked her what was wrong she just simply pointed at me. This time Wesley spoke, "I am very sorry to tell you this Miss" "Renee" I interrupted him, "Renee" he corrected himself "but Doyle pasted away at the end of last November." Angel not quite sure how to handle the situation looked from me to Cordelia to Wesley, Cordelia looking like she was going to break down and Gunn just looking on trying to figure out what was going on, and Wesley moving to comfort me as I looked up in a fake shock. I even shed a few tears, lord knows I have shed a few over his death what was a few more. 

Angel being the cool one that he was recovered quickly from the shock that after so many months someone would come into their new office looking for Doyle. He asked me if there was anything that he could do for me. I looked at him for a moment then decided that being more honest was the best way to go, I said, "I came to see you actually. Doyle and I met because of you." He then looked at me with confusion marring his perfect features. "I met Doyle through a friend, and he became my friend, but in the last year I have been away in Paris and we hadn't really talked, so as soon as I got back I figured that he and I should get together, I really missed him." "But that doesn't explain why you met because of me" he said a little forcefully. My reply with a slight hint of a smile was, "no it doesn't, but I would prefer if we discussed that particular topic in private, if you don't mind." He simple nodded and then ushered me into his office where he closed the door behind him.

Being that close to him after all this time of not was almost overwhelming. He motioned for me to take a seat on the other side of his desk where he had a taken his seat, he laced his hand together with his elbows propped on the armrests of his chair waiting patiently for me to tell him why I was really there. The emotions running through me almost caused me to spill everything right then and there, but he still could not know that I was the Protector, he could only know that I was the dreamer. I took a second to look around his office, he had old texts laying on his desk and paintings that I am sure were done by him on the walls, and even a few photographs of the people that were out in his office and even one of the people from Sunnydale. I swallowed compulsively and looked at him. I told him that I knew he had the Prophecies of Aberjian and that it completely his link to the PTB. I then proceeded to tell him that I completed that link. I was sent to help him. I was the Dreamer. He stared at me in shock. The next words out of his mouth actually came as a shock to me "Do you know what the prophecy says?" I just shook my head. I only knew of the prophecies but not what they contain. I knew their purpose for him, which was to complete the link to the powers, but not anything more. I think that finding all of this out was somewhat of a shock. I also knew that he lost the Oracles, which happened to be his most direct link to the powers. I was their replacement, and I told him as such. 

I needed to explain my abilities as the Dreamer to him. "I am the Dreamer, I have been given the power to speak directly to the powers or one of their channels. It takes a lot of power to address the powers directly, but some of the lesser channels can be just as helpful. The easiest happens to be Whistler, I have actually spoken to him several times in the few weeks that I have been the Dreamer." At the sound of Whistler's name he tensed. I smiled at him and his reaction to the annoying little demon, and I answered his unspoken question, "Yes I know Whistler. He is kind of like my guide, which is why he is the easiest to get in touch with. Besides if I ask him a question and he doesn't know the answer then he has ways to find out the answers without me having to sleep for a week." He looked at me in almost sympathy, I think because he knew what it was like to be in the care of Whistler. I didn't dare tell him that while he only spent a few months I spent nearly a century with the demon. I looked at Angel while he took in everything that I just told him then told him one of my purposes, "I want to work with you, I don't need the money, but there is a reason that I am here now and that is to help you." I thought for a second that he would protest, but he didn't. He simply nodded and then motioned to the door where he and I both knew that the other three occupants of the offices were trying to listen to what was going on. 

At his motion the three filed in with sheepish looks on their faces that caused both of us to smile. Angel then addressed them, "This is Renee..." then he looked at me expectantly to fill in the blank that existed "Edmunds" I volunteered. At the sound of my last name his eyes darted to me and momentarily clouded with memory and sadness. I smiled at him and then he continued. "Renee Edmunds and she will be working with us." Then he looked at Wesley and said in a low voice, "She is the Dreamer." Cordelia and Gunn looked at him and then me with confusion, while Wesley's look went from shocked to awe rather quickly. Cordelia looked at him and asked the inevitable question "What is the Dreamer?" He looked at her and said, "Another link to the Powers, Cordelia" with that her look changed to hopefulness. She looked at me wide-eyed and full of hope and asked, "Does this mean no more mind numbing visions?" I looked at her sadly and shook my head. "I am here to assist and find answers to questions but you still get the pictures and you will see what they want you to see. You can think of me as your own private Oracles." The disappointment on her face saddened me a little bit, I hated not being able to help her, and I as sorry that she didn't ask for this and she didn't choose the path her life has taken it was just dumped on her. 

After a little while of a getting to know one another and talking about how things worked around the office we were all sitting there and Angel asked if any of them had any luck finding out what was in the box. I perked up at this and I asked, "Do you mean the raising?" You looked at me and nodded. I looked at my hands; my thought was how do I tell them that knew what was in the box and had known since right after I had my first dream. By my demeanor he gathered that I knew what was in the box and was reluctant to tell him. So he asked me "Do you know what was in the box? Do you know what they raised?" I nodded; I had the attention of everyone in the office. Then I began, "What was in that box is going to be the hardest thing you have ever had to face. And what was in that box is only the beginning." He looked at me expectantly I took a deep breath and said in a voice barely a whisper that only he caught because of his enhanced hearing "Darla, Darla was in the box." I looked up at him sadly and he just stared at me in shock and then in disbelief. Cordelia was the one that broke the uncomfortable silence, "What?" she questioned me. Angel looked at her and then at me and said "That is impossible, I killed her and watcher her turn to dust." Then he addressed the others and said, "Darla was in the box" 

The next questions came rather rapidly, they were addressed more to Angel than to me but I knew a lot of the answers. "Who's Darla?" came from someone and "How did she get out of hell?" came from someone else the last question was addressed to me from Angel "What is her mental state?" I kind of laughed at this. I also knew that he was afraid. I looked at him and said "You spent a few months there in this dimension and you were there hundreds of years. She has been gone for years, so I am guessing she has been in hell for thousands of years. Do you remember what you were like after you came back?" The look on his face let me know that he did know and he did remember. He then addressed the rest of office when he answered their questions and filled in the blanks. "Darla was my sire. I killed her to save Buffy after we met. When I came back from hell I couldn't even remember my own name, I was just going with my most basic instincts when Buffy found me. It took me a long time to recover." I looked at him with sadness in my eyes I hated that he had to endure so much pain. He continued "She is most likely insane and going to hunt me down as soon as she is able. She did teach Angelus everything he knew." A look of concern washed over his face then he addressed all of us "I want all of you to go, this is my fight and I don't want anyone to get hurt." I was the first to shake my head "No, I am not going to leave you to face her alone" Cordelia then stood up and agreed vehemently, as did Wesley and Gunn. 

After much discussion and arguments he finally gave in to the fact that none of us were going anywhere. I was the first to point out that we had a window of opportunity here. She probably would not be up to her regular skills for at least a few months, if we could find her before then while she is still quite vulnerable then maybe we could take her out without any trouble. I also knew that the plan probably would not work. I had seen enough of such plans go horribly wrong, but it was still worth a shot.

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	9. Chapter 9

Weeks went by with us trying to help the hopeless. Angel soon realized that I was not ordinary girl, I had strength that rivaled the slayer, the tactical experience that put his own to shame, and a knowledge of weapons that rivaled his. He was shocked. He and I quickly became training partners, and it became a thorn in his side that whenever we sparred he couldn't beat me. I found his boyish attitude about it all to be so endearing, if I didn't love him before I sure as hell did now. 

Finally, after about two months of us trying to find out where Darla was being kept, we found something. She was being kept in an apartment near the Wolfram and Hart office building. The security surprising enough wasn't that tight. We figured that they thought we didn't know it was her and that we didn't know where they kept her. Well we seemed to have misjudged the time that it would take her to recover because when it came time to face her, it was all Angel and I could do to kill her. It was a hell of a fight, I don't think I have ever been so sore in all of my life. Angel spent weeks trying to recover. 

*****

Before we went into this battle he and I sat down and had a talk, we had become close friends in the two months time that I had been there. He told me about Buffy and about his past with her. We were sitting in my apartment, since Angel's was shared with Gunn and Wesley my apartment has become as much his sanctuary as it was my own. I didn't mind having him there, in fact it made it seem more like home when he was there. I gave him my guestroom where he slept during the day if he didn't want to go back to his place, and I always kept some blood for him in the fridge. But back to the point, I always seem to get lost somewhere. So we were sitting there talking like we had done so often. I would listen to him talk about Buffy and I would tell him about the nameless man that had taken my heart. He shared something with me that night. He told me that he was in love with the Buffy of the past and he didn't even really know the Buffy that was there now. He finally decided that it was time to move on, even though getting really close to a woman wasn't something he could do because of his curse. The thing that he didn't know was that I had all of his answers. I knew that I could protect his soul, and that if he was with me it would be okay, but I couldn't tell him any of this, because it had to be his choice to come to me and this was not the right time. 

That night after he got finished telling me about his decision to put Buffy in the past, I went into my room and opened a drawer. In that draw was the sketch that I had found that he did of her. I felt that it was time that he had that back. I pulled it out of its place gently and walked back out to him. He was sitting there and he watched me as approached. I didn't say a word as I placed his sketch in his hand, and I didn't look at him as he asked where I had gotten it. I just sat there quietly, while he waited patiently for me to answer his questions. 

One thing I have learned is that patience has been one of his acquired virtues. I think that it comes from immortality, and knowing that you have all the time in the world. I looked up at him, and said, "You left that when you left for Sunnydale. I kept it for you, because I knew that someday I would be able to give it back." He just held it gently, alternately looked from it to me and back again. Then he said in a very quiet voice barely above a whisper, "Thank you" I nodded a 'you're welcome' and then said, "You can stay but I am going to go to bed." I took one last look at him and walked into my bedroom. I locked the door and sat in my window seat with the window open thinking. The lights of LA are almost as therapeutic as the lights in Paris. I decided that night that after we defeated Darla that I would go and spend some time in Paris, even if just for a little while. It was far too painful to continue, for me to continue to fight by his side and know that it was Buffy and then later some random girl in his heart.

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	10. Chapter 10

I sat there all night in the dark in Renee's apartment. She really shocked me when she handed me the sketch of Buffy that I had done so many years ago. She had found it and kept it. This sketch was in much better shape than even my most prized possessions. I stayed sitting in that same spot until just before dawn. I hadn't realized it had gotten that late and I had no choice but to stay. I stayed in my room in her apartment. I found that it was the only place that the nightmares of my past wouldn't haunt me. I am more sure if it was her presence that kept my nightmares away or if it was just that I was so far away from any reminders of my gruesome past. 

When I woke that evening she wasn't there. This wasn't exactly an uncommon occurrence. She would stay sometime and others she would just leave me be. When she gave me my room she also gave me a key. This was amazing to me that someone so gentle could invite me into her life, help me with my redemption and trust me enough to invite me into her home. 

I realized in that 24 hour stretch that there was life outside of Buffy Summers. Maybe this woman who was so guarded yet so open was part of my destiny. I, of course, could never tell her about my changing feelings for her. I would surely scare. Besides even if I did love her I could never be with her because of my curse. I would never want to hurt her like I did Buffy. She just seems to understand me. She doesn't even seem surprised or appalled by the things about my past that I choose to reveal.

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	11. Chapter 11

After my wounds had healed from our battle with Darla, I packed up some of my things, booked the first flight to Paris, and was on that flight. I did call Whistler and make sure that he could come and be there when I couldn't. He understood and even saw it coming. I left Angel a note and was on the flight that I had booked. 

I thought the waiting was hard, but the walking away was infinitely more painful. Sitting on that plane as it made its way down the runway and to my destination where I would be able to escape the constant struggle that had become my life in the past few months, I let the only tears that I have ever shed for myself and my situation fall. The struggle was just too much, and I don't mean the demons. That was the easy part. My struggle was within myself. I had to fight so hard to keep all the emotions in check. I had to keep them hidden from him and everyone else. These emotions just didn't seem to want to go away, they seemed hell bent on taking over my entire being. During those first few minutes of my escape the tears came, and then they stopped. I couldn't let grief consume me. I had to use this time to get rid of the confusion and deal with what was ahead. I really couldn't have even fathomed before I was faced with it, how hard it was to be in his life instead of on the outside looking in. 

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	12. Chapter 12

For several days after the battle with Darla no on heard anything from Renee. When she told me that it would be one of the toughest battles of my life she wasn't lying. I figured that she just needed time, she was in about as bad shape as I was, and I assumed that she needed to process everything. This was her first major battle and not even the ascension battle was this difficult. I know that even before the battle she had been acting strange, and even aloof at times. So as soon as I was able I went to her apartment. I used my key and let myself in and searched for her. The last place I looked was the room that she had given me. She told me once not too long after I started spending time there that it was my sanctuary and she would respect that (I think that it was her way of telling me that she never went in there.) 

When I walked in there the first thing I noticed was the note that she had left me. It was written in her careful script that was not unlike my own. I sat on the edge of the bed and read the note.

Angel,

Please forgive me for leaving this way. I need some time. There are too many things flying around in my head for me to sort them all out. I do promise you that when I am ready and confusion free I will come back. Whistler will be there in a few days to be of assistance if he is able. He will also know how to contact me if I am needed. I am truly sorry for not being able to do this in person, but seeing how I failed you and nearly getting you ki8lled is too much.

Renee

I walked home that night to face question glances and then the arrival of Whistler. Since her note said that he would arrive in a few days I figured that she probably had a couple of days head start. I wish that I had gone to her sooner and tried to talk her out of leaving. She needed to know that whatever was causing all of her confusion I would do anything in my power to help her with. 

I explained to everyone that Renee went on a trip and that I didn't know when she would return, in her absence Whistler was here to help. Whistler and I talked, it didn't really help me any to know that he had seen this coming. He couldn't tell me how to help her other than to just let her go. So that is what I did. We fought our battle and helped our helpless for almost three months without ever a word other than an assurance every now and again that she was fine. I knew that she made minimal contact with Whistler and she probably did that through her dreams so that we couldn't find her even if we wanted to. 

I think that after that third month Whistler could tell that I was getting restless without her here. Almost like I wasn't sure that she would be okay if she stayed away. I was worried about her, and even though she promised she would come back I was being to have my doubts. 

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	13. Chapter 13

It took me three months to get the confusion to go away. I couldn't even go a day without worrying about him. I knew that Whistler was taking good care of him and that I should concentrate on getting all of my issues worked out so that I could go back. I knew that deep down when I went back it that would only be a matter of time before the choices were made and the prophecy fulfilled. 

During the time I was away Whistler and I would have long talks in my dreams. He always was there to help me, I was grateful for that, I still am. Finally during one of our talks he told me it was time to come back. He knew I was getting restless and was just about ready I just needed to hear the words. He told me that Angel was having the same reaction. He needed me there as much as I needed to be there. So I spent just a few more days in the solitude of my Paris apartment, looking out at the lights and finally all of the confusion was gone. I realized that I was his friend, and if Buffy was his choice or even one of the thousands of girls that would be trying to get his attention I would just have to be there for him. I guess it was the one thing that I could do for him. He had given me a purpose and a reason to live for the last 250 years and this was what I had to do for him. 

I packed my bags that night and the next morning I was on the first flight back to LA, leaving behind the beautiful lights of the Paris night behind me. I was going home. Home is such a funny word when you think about it. I have lived for two and a half centuries and I have only had a home once. I have stayed plenty of places and had many apartments, but never a home. I realized then that my home was where he was, that what made a home was family, and him, Cordelia, Wesley, and Gunn were my family. Not since I left mine behind on a ship bound for England have I felt that I had a family. I just hoped that they were able to forgive me for abandoning them. I didn't even go back to my apartment; I went straight to Angel Investigations where I knew they would all be. Whistler and I had a little conversation on my trip back from Paris and he knew that I would be going there. 

I exited my car and walked nervously to the door. I didn't even feel this nervous when I first made contact with them. I walked through the door and all of the conversation seemed to stop. They all just looked at me. Whistler was the first to approach and he enveloped me into a hug. I returned his hug. Silently thanking him with everything in my being for his kindness in this situation. I looked nervously around the office, I had hopes that Whistler had gave them a hint that I was coming back, but it didn't look like I had been that lucky. No one really knew what to say and I couldn't look Angel in the eye. I stood there staring at the floor wringing my hands hoping that they accepted me back into their family with open arms. It was then that Angel took a few steps towards me and in a gentle voice almost as if he were afraid I would run away, "Did you get everything figured out that you needed to?" I looked at him with a small smile and then I wrinkled my brow. I was relieved that he was so gentle and it seemed as if he was going to accept me back into the group, but if I told him the truth, that even though I had reached a conclusion and I knew was there I really hadn't solved anything, so I said, "Not really, but I felt it was time to come back anyway. This is where I need to be, and I have less confusion than I did before." He smiled at my honesty; he always liked that. It was then that he advanced on me and enveloped me in a hug. This really shocked me because we had never shown any type of affection towards one another. We would talk but never touch, like there was some sort of forbidden barrier between us. While he held me close he proceeded to shock me even more. He whispered into my hair, "I missed you." 

I have never been one to show too much emotion and I never let him see me cry, so when I pulled back and realized that tears had formed in my eyes and were beginning to spill over onto my cheeks I quickly wiped them away and gave him brilliant smile and said, "I missed you too" He smiled at that. The others followed his lead since he was the patriarch of this little makeshift family. And I was welcomed back with open arms. I really had come home. 

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End file.
